An Arvo at Splatters Melbourne Cheese Train Bar

I bookmarked Splatters, Melbourne Cheese Train Bar, months ago after seeing it on IG, and when Liz, my bestie from the East-ey (sorry, I’m into rhymes at the moment), came for an adult sleepover party, I knew I had to take her there. Because: 1. It’s Australia’s first-ever cheese train bar, and after visiting the world’s first Cheese Train Bar in London, I have been curious about Australia’s, another cheese-laden country, take on it. 2. I am trying to convince Liz that the West is just as fun as the East, hoping to sway her to move to the Western suburbs someday. 3. It’s our tradition to take each other out somewhere for fun for our birthdays—even if this was super belated.

So, late Saturday afternoon, donning post-yoga glow and still semi-full from our Dumbo brunch, we headed to Melbourne Cheese Train Bar, which I quickly learned isn’t technically in the West but in an inner-city suburb called West Melbourne. Ha!

We spotted the Splatters in the corner of Wominjeka Walk (a “walk” being Aussie slang for a mini version of a piazza), and it was pretty empty when we arrived. Once seated, we were given a quick intro explaining the sushi train-like setup and then left to explore the options ourselves—guided by the colour-coded plates.

Melbourne Cheese Train Bar

We started with Sloop of Gold Bay of Fire Tasmania, a cheese with a grassy aroma paired with lemon and herb shortbread. It was an interesting combo, not one I’d usually pick for myself, but it was Liz’s favourite of the day, naturally, as she’s into all things Middle Eastern.

Next, we tried the Triple Cream Brie from Onkaparinga Creamery in South Australia, paired with Biscoff fudge. It was better than the first for me, but we both agreed the fudge overpowered the brie—though that might have been due to our poor portioning.

We followed it up with a baked homemade cheesecake with generous Tatura cream cheese icing. You’d think cheesecake would be too much on a cheese-filled day, but it was surprisingly light. Sharing it between the two of us, it disappeared in no time.

Afterwards, we took a break from all things cheesy and grabbed the smallest charcuterie plate from the train. It included slices of wild kangaroo with native anise myrtle, black truffle and squid ink salami, Felino fennel salami, and beef pastrami. It was my first time trying black squid ink truffle salami, which was incredible! I loved it so much that Liz let me finish most of it. Later, I looked it up online, and it’s available for $25 a chub (plus shipping); For that price, I’ll wait to serve it when the president visits.

Meanwhile, I had been topping up on Pizzini Brachetto and was already on my second glass or third by now.

Next, I took a plate of Smokey Cow a La Cantara cheese from Tasmania. As the menu described, it’s rubbed with olive oil, smoked paprika, and ground pepper (something I noted to try at home) and served with mini pickles. Though it sounded promising, it was just okay—nothing special—maybe because I’m not a huge pickle fan. I may have subconsciously taken it because Fafa loves pickles (this is what happens when you’ve been together for too long).

At this point, I ordered a pineapple cocktail because I was already high on cheese, and, hey, it was technically my birthday meal, so why not?

Next was my pick: Gouda from Alexandrina, South Australia, served with a slice of pink pickled onion. No surprise, it turned out to be my favourite of the lot, and I’d love to recreate it at home.

After the last plate, I asked Liz if she wanted more cheese (because I still could and would), but she was all cheesed out and suggested we continue the party at home—with a stop at the bottle shop first. A good enough offer to ask for the bill.

Splatters, Melbourne Cheese Train Bar, isn’t as glamorous as the London version I remember, and it could use a bit more decor and presentation. But I loved that they feature Australian cheeses—something I cherished as a local. They also get creative and fun with their cheese pairings, one of the best things about a Cheese Train Bar, along with the train belt, the chance to sample many varieties without feeling overwhelmed, and always having someone around to top up our drinks.

But more than anything, I love that we have a cheese train bar in Melbourne, especially on the “West” side. I can’t wait to bring more of my cheese-loving friends here!

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